# Chapter 18

Michael felt unusual walking around with a computer in his pocket. It was strange. A connected device always with him. Always connected. Michael felt naked to the mega-net. Even though mega-net was very hard to break. There was a tiny risk. A tiny risk that something will happen to him because he is carrying a computer with him. But there was no choice. Somebody might call.

Michael was listening to sad music, thinking how terrible his hunger was. He passed a small store that sold Vodka Plus and other beverages. He looked at it in a desire to buy it. But he knew he could not. He went on. What a dumb person I am, he thought. 

An idea came to him. He can make automatic bookings and not walk around with a connected device with him all the time. The program will receive a call, ask contact information and save it for later. Yes, Michael thought, I have to implement it now. I don't want to carry this on me. He took the computer into his hand.

Suddenly, the device lit up and a pleasant voice started to sing. It was an income call. Michael starred at it. He didn't know the caller. It was perhaps somebody calling for a depression advice. Michael felt uncomfortable. He swallowed and then answered.

A barely visible hologram of an old lady appeared. She didn't use an avatar. Micheal looked around, looking for a dark spot, so he could see the hologram better. And also, so there will be less bypassing. 

"This is Michael Herald... ah... helping with depression... ugh... How can I help?" - said Michael. Feeling how he is not used to talk to random people that seek his advice. The woman hesitated. Her face was kind of sad. But more like, lost in time. She was deep in memories. "Oh, kiddo..." - she said - "... how can you help me?".

"You called me." - he said - "That's already good. That's a nice first step.". As he said it, he thought that it might be a bad idea all together. She just did something. She called him. It must've been her little challenge and she passed it. Though there was no dopamine rush. Not apparent, at least.

"Kiddo... I..." - the woman looked into the distance. Silence. She was just not feeling good at all. Then she came together, shook her head and sad - "Ugh... This is bad, kiddo... My boy... My boy..." - she looked into distance - "Poor Rufus Thomas..." - and the woman started crying.

"Mam," - tried Michael - "It's better if I come and see you. My technique is hard to get through a phone."

"Yes, I see" - said the woman.

"Where can I find you?"

She gave him an address and a name. Her name was Julia Gordon. Her son ended his own life not so long ago. He didn't seemed depressed at all. It shook her so much that she couldn't think straight after his death. 

Michael, like a complete imbecile, instead of trying to help her, asked her the most hideous question possible - "So you are a subscriber of the Fart King?"

"Art-king?" - the woman asked as both they sat in comfy chairs in her home.

"How did you find out about me?" - Michael asked and then sipped a bit of tea from a cup beside him.

"Oh, it's my other son told me. His name is Leopold." - she said. And it made sudden sense to Michael. Fart King's subscribers usually are not very depressed. Or at least not feeling like they are. But they might know somebody. Michael thought that it's the time he needs to do it. He told his price. The woman took her computer. It was an old model. Slightly cracked, holding on tape. It's hologram wasn't working. So she took a bottle with a spray nozzle and spayed into air. Only then, the image appeared. How ancient, Michael thought.

She entered the wallet application. He opened his computer nearby. And her interface made space for his. He dragged his wallet ID into her application. And the transaction was made. He was happy. He didn't smile quite yet. It was only a fraction of the money he payed to the Fart King. But it was enough for him for now. 

She woman laughed. He looked at her and said - "Yes? What?" - as he smiled. She took her glasses off and gave them to him. He hesitated. It's her private view. It wasn't right. But she is willing to share something with him. He took the glasses. Looked at her. She nodded to him, inviting him to put it on. Whatever it was it made her happier. He thought it was wise to know. He wants to make her happier after all. He put them on and laughed himself. It was his avatar of the Drunken Monkey. 

An instant he saw a memory of Alice laughing at this very image. He remembered a little baby Newt not understanding it, but laughing anyway. And then it made him sad. It was lost. Gone. It was the past. It was only a memory.

He returned the glasses to the woman and said - "Long time ago I lost my sister in a car crash. It was brutal.". She felt up with sadness, but also understanding. Her eyes teared up. He continued - "Then I developed a way to coup with it. I call it the Dopamine Rush. Basically, the idea is..." - he breathed hard. It was the moment of revelation - "... you set yourself little challenges. Not even challenges. But, you know, things to do. You begin with simple things like perhaps standing up or walking across the room. And you do them. If you consciously made yourself a challenge, no matter how small, when you pass it, your brain rewards you a little bit with this chemical called Dopamine. That's where the name Dopamine Rush comes from.".

The woman looked at him. She nodded. She said - "My Rufus, he made himself a little challenge too. He climbed high to jump for his death.". Michael said - "It's legal to kill yourself.".

The woman looked at him. At his naivete. She said - "Thank you that you came to listen to me. Thank you for your advice." - and she was back into her own world. "It's legal to kill yourself" - she whispered. Michael thought that he perhaps made a mistake. 

To come back from that woman's home he needed to pass the unfortunate turn. He would go around it, but he was tired. So he looked at it. He avoided to look at the house, but he did anyway. There was the killer. And there was the place of murder.

Right on the bottom part of the turn itself stood somebody familiar. Michael focused harder to see who it was. It was his Dad. There was a hole in between his Dad and the road itself. And his Dad was standing right on the edge.

Michael ran. "Dad!!!" - he screamed. His dad turned. He faced Michael. There was a drop of maybe three stories high between them. Dad said - "You know what strange Michael? The actual challenge itself sometimes is very hard. I thought I would succeed this one, but I can't. I can't.". Michael screamed - "What are you trying to do?".

"I came out of the car before it happened."

"You was lucky."

"I took your luck and Molly's luck away from you."

"What is you plan? What's your challenge?"

"I think I can do it."

"What is it?"

"I'll show you."

"No! First tell me what it is."

"Bye bye Michael."

And the father jumped. Michael saw him descend into the void. Into the structures. How hard he wanted to wake up from this. How hard he wanted it all to be just a nightmare. But it wasn't.

Michael came home, soaked in tears. He went into Dad's room. It was empty. Now Michael is alone. Now Michael understands that woman. Her son. His Dad. Michael concentrated. He decided to walk from here to the door. Suddenly he realized. It was this Dopamine Rush idea that made his father jump. It wasn't right to use it to take away the pain. It wasn't right to not feel the pain. It was only right to be in pain.

Any next calls he didn't answer. He changed the identity. He burrowed himself into sorrow and lived there. To come out of it was to disrespect his father. To come out of it was to disrespect Molly. To come out of it was to disrespect all those people who suffer. He must suffer himself. It is not fair if he does not suffer.


